Funny Status Messages

   Don’t forget to ridicule, crush, and then kill what you don’t understand today.

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   Tanya Harding was taking a knee before it was cool.

   Relationship status: Would get in the van

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.

   The first rule of Might Club is maybe.

   “You should finger her more often,” is the full extent of relationship advice I can offer.

   if you're going through hell stop and smell the flames

   [Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...

   My coffee pot screamed my name this morning as it spurted its hot liquid inside the carafe.

   Sex so good you need the jaws of life to pry you apart.

   I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   My wife finally broke our dog begging at the table. She let him taste her cooking.

   Instead of buying a mass produced pumpkin at the store, this year my family will adopt one from a shelter

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   my great great grandfather: I cleared 40 acres by hand and grew food to feed people. My father: I fought WWII and ended the horror. Me: I think $9.99/month might be too much for Spotify.

   I was talking to my dog about you all and he agrees you're crazy.