Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   OK. Who decided to call it "marijuana possession" and not "joint custody"?

   Rocket Man & Dotard meet in Nambia to avoid another bowling green massacre, Obama tapes the entire thing via microwave.

   Whenever I see signs on Social Media that read, "I stand with PP" I secretly think, "I stand while I pee-pee but I don't feel the need to broadcast that information.”

   Being energy efficient. When I saw an advertisment for a solar power clothes dryer. I ordered one. What I receive was a 25 foot clothes-line and a pack of 50 clothes pins.

   You know what they say about identity theft. Fool me once,shame on you,fool me twice shame on you because you're me now.

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   Kim Jong Un has made millions of Americans look up the word dotard. So far, he's done way more education than Betsy DeVos.

   Red wine pairs beautifully with procrastination.

   Why can't you people get it? The protest of not standing for the national anthem will end when you people learn equality and freedom for all races.

   People who publicly announce they're "taking a break" from social media, are merely disgruntled that they have only 10 friends and even those 10 never comment.

   It's ironic how those who bemoan being judged by their color are now the one's judging folks by their color. 1 |

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   I'm guessing an appropriate term for those pics women take of their own rear-ends could be labeled as "smellfies."

   I hope someday I will be able to afford an iPhone X... Like the girl in front of me paying for her groceries with food stamps...

   Other than insecurity, hatred & racism, sexism & discrimination, greed, infidelity and sheer stupidity most of the human race is pretty much perfect...

   If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won't ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

   Steph Curry is hesitant about going to the White House and Trump takes away his invitation. Tom Brady doesn't go to the White House and Trump doesn't say a word.

   When she suddenly stop singing while she's bathing, just know she's washing her P*ssy

   In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather but there are no cows.