Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a "no girls allowed" sign.

   not stalkig you but thinks you look really nice in that shirt

   I never knew pain till I threw up those pretzels

   hoping U.S. Solicitor General Elena Kagan is confirmed to the Supreme Court, so comedian Mike Myers can return to SNL to impersonate her.

   Some people want to do crazy things and green amphibians we just want to have good time! Some people go woo they go quack quack some people nothing and want nothing and arent free, some people want to burn the world with greed, we just want good time!

   watching his weight.... go up and up

   Everytime I watch the Movie "Free WIlly" I feel so badly about the hunting of these fish that I "Free" my own!

   Wants to find something else for my dryer to eat besides one of every sock.

   yeah and you have justin bieber......... your play america

   You can lose alot of money chasing women but you'll never lose women chasing money!!

   Justin Bieber's from Canada dumbass! Your play England

   There's a guy sitting next to me on the plane that looks like Jesus Christ. Just handed him a bottle of water and said, "Merlot, please."

   tired of these rock bands all sounding the same. They should all just rename themselves "Puddle of NickelCreed."

   What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?

   The most powerful position is on your knees.

   Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...

   Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.

   Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!

   A friend in need is a PEST indeed

   Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due..