Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.

   I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

   thinks that Facebook should give a breathalyzer test before you can sign in.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   they say you have to go through hell to get to heaven,i wish I brought my gps with me cause I'm lost.lol

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.

   hey we're back to funny quotes... Dummy-Crats must be reading Killary's book.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.

   When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

   Don't have time to read the news anymore. Just show me a picture of something bad, give it a miguided headline, and promise I will get angry.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled at different rates?

   Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.

   Stupid kid fell in the well again. --Lassie, if she were a cat.

   First it was a wall. Then a fence. Now it's 20,000 boxes propped up with sticks. And a taco under each one.

   New breakfast cereal called Prosatooties. They don't snap crackle or pop. They just in the bowl and smile at you.

   Notice when you call a 1-800 techical support number you get an assistance operator in India? Wonder when a person in India call for technical support if they get an amercian operator.

   I swear, what is wrong with people? Supporters are burning their MAGA hat's because Trump did the right thing and protected the dreamers? Wow!

   Mitch McConnell and donald trump: The new story book version of the tortoise and the hare.

   You can't tell me what to do; you're not my demons.