Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.

   Social Justice Crowd: Irma's not my hurricane!

   Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

   Hmmm, everyone sharing memories like we all wanna slice.....

   Salad? You mean crunchy sadness?

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   if you want a sneak preview of the new IPhone 8 just look at your IPhone 7 and pretend it cost $999 more.

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   There are four boxes to use in the defense of Liberty: Soap, Ballot, Jury, and Ammo. Use in that order.

   Does anyone know the name of that Jennifer Aniston movie? You know. The one where she plays a quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   Ate lunch at Cracker Barrel today. I didn't see any barrels but I did see a lot of Crackers!!

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   I'm a wack a doodle teddy. I wack my doodle every time. While watching a porn girl with a big behind. That's how I spend my night time.

   My girlfriend isn't allowed to go see "IT" I'm the only clown in her life .

   Sticks and bones may break my bones...but whips and chains excite me

   BOUGHT A CAN OF WD-40 AND THE LID WAS STUCK ON TIGHT, SO I HAD TO GO BUY ANOTHER CAN OF WD-40 TO OPEN THE OTHER CAN

   If the sun were your head and Pluto was the bottom of your feet, then Uranus would be about where you would expect it to be.

   America: the only country in the world where not wearing a seat-belt carries a bigger penalty then letting hackers steal 143 million citizens social security numbers, bank info, drivers licenses and credit cards...