Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Did you just eat my donut?" me: Yes, but there's blame on both sides.

   I have a nutache

   : trump the me, me, me, it must always be all about me and only me president.

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".

   DEAR GOD, If you want Hillary to be arrested, give us a sign... Like, blot out the sun, anytime in the next five days. Thanks.

   I don't think this solar eclipse thing is going to happen. I think they just want us to put on these special glasses so we don't see the meteor coming...

   We need more statues of naked women

   Do not use the one $1.00, $20 or $50 or $100 bills! Slave owners are depicted on them! Help stop this hideous display of racism… Send those bills to me and I will see that they are handled properly... message me for my address,

   .Don't mean to brag but I saw the Solar Eclipse today. Went outside, closed my eyes & BAM! Solar Eclipse.....

   : If a dog loses their tail, where do they get another one? At a retail store.

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   I'm going to give up paying for UFC and boxing, I can just tune in for free and watch the riots every weekend.

   : Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   Dearly beloved God, I wanna take a minute, not to ask for anything from you. But simply to say thank you, for all I have.

   Dear Summer.....where are you going???Why are you leaving me??? Whyyyyyyyy.... All these back to school pics...and and and...school supplies.....and .....school zone lights are flashing again....

   : Fun fact, you can not hum while tightly pinching your nose.

   Did you know :Relationship Without Sex Helps you Focus on the Most Important things in a relationship like Cheating

   I love talking to small children. No adult is ever going to ask me what my 3rd favorite dinosaur is.