Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I no longer question authority; I annoy authority. More fun, less effort.

   Pessimism is just an ugly word for pattern recognition.

   Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station.

   Maybe if you didn't act like thuggish and lazy pieces of crap there wouldn't be a problem

   It boggles the mind how most of you passionately supports the Neo-Nazis. Absolutely mind boggling.

   I once took a dump that was shaped like a pretzel. I $h!t you knot...

   Trump: I need to be on the power high when it comes to the business council. You guys can't quit on me! I'm quitting you by ending the council permanently. That'll show you to question my rac.ism!

   I thought Trump said for every CEO that drops out of the Manufacturing Council, he have many to take their place. Was he lying? No he can't be, because he's Trump.

   As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

   Can't wait, after Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday's Trump fiasco, I'm so looking forward to SNL this Saturday. It's going to be an awesome show.

   Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .

   : Let's do away with the electoral vote. And go by the actual voter's vote count to determine the winner of an election.

   : A cat never cries over spilled milk.

   internet dating... ~ welcome to the future ~

   : Scaramucci (n) a verry confident guy who doesn't last long.

   : Trump "This is the longest improv show ever."

   Here's a thought. Let's get up a petition to have CNN classifed as a Hate Group.

   If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   When a cashier asks if you found everything you were looking for, take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, "I have now."