Funny Status Messages

   Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

   There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.

   Tila Tequila says in interview that she's a hardcore conservative. It's no wonder why she thinks the earth is flat.

   Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.

   I don't get it. The Bible is not allowed in public schools but is encouraged in prisons. Maybe if we allowed the Bible in schools there would be less people in prison. Ever think of that?

   It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."

   That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she's just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod..

   Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities

   Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.

   Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.

   The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.

   I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.

   Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.

   Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.