Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   If Trump gets impeached, I will seriously commit suicide!

   A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

   Pro-Trump Girl’s Hair Set On Fire By Anti-Trump Protester At Women’s March. Lib posterchild.

   A certain duck who does not wear pants was questioned, but was seen signing autographs at the time.

   Nothing says IN GOD WE TRUST quite like having nuclear weapons.

   Not sure I'm going to heaven. At this point in my life, the best I can hope for is the low humidity section of hell.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   Read rhymes with lead, and read rhymes with lead, but read and lead don’t rhyme, and neither do read and lead.

   The quality of the villain is so important to me in a movie

   I can't imagine a better slogan for an eyeglasses company than, "Buy your glasses here if you ever want to see your children again."

   Ariel the Little Mermaid never got married. She just ended up with a whole bunch of catfish.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.

   Why are snooze alarm minutes so short and microwave oven minutes so long?

   Pray for your enemies. Nothing annoys them more than that.

   My wife gets the last word in any argument. Anything I said after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.

   When I was 10, I was given 6 mo. to live and I refused. My mom got mad at me. Damn autocorrect. When I was 10, I was given 6 oz. of liver and I refused. My mom got mad at me.

   The police want to interview me which is strange, I didn't even apply for a job there..

   It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.