Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just want the confidence of a short guy in a big SUV.

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren't you Ice-T?"

   Who needs conspiracy theories when reality is crazy enough lately. .. ugh

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   Your small talk is beginning to make my eye twitch.

   Surely if Steve Buscemi of all ugly people can have a successful career in Hollywood, there is nothing that should stop you from achieving your own goals.

   How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when the crook gave up and threw the gun at him?

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.

   Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We'll see about that.

   I just keep telling myself you guys don't have sex either.

   ICEBERGS: Ha ha!.. We just sunk the Titanic... HUMANS: Oh yeah?... We'll show you. . We'll show ALL you!... *starts global warming

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

   If Justin Bieber thinks he's the Kurt Cobain of this generation why hasn't he killed himself yet?

   Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That's like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.