Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Im offended by sexual terms. I think I'll post pictures on the internet of myself depicting a terr0rist group.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.

   Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.

   Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

   If the start of a Basketball game is called a Tip-off, why isn’t the start of a Hockey game called a Puck-off?

   Pulling out of Paris should be a porn, not a reality

   Can we have a NO Kathy Griffin button?

   I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at

   A home DNA test kit does not make a good baby shower gift.

   I wonder if there's a margarita somewhere out there thinking about me, too.

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   We all name our dogs....But.... Wonder what they call us .....

   Me: Do you want to have the best sex of your life tonight? Her: No. Me: Then I'm your guy!

   I thought that noose around a mocked Obama's neck was funny too......

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?

   It's okay, you guys. People on Facebook have changed their profile pictures, sent their prayers and thoughts. So terrorism should end shortly.

   I don't mind helping people as long as I'm not slightly inconvenienced.