Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do an illegal alien and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

   How's that wall coming along? I hope it hasn't obstructed traffic for you guys.

   I think I just seenPodesta going down I95 in a white ford bronco

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   Why is that when you apply for a loan at the bank the first thing you have to do is prove you don't need it?

   And all this time I thought Ariana Grande was a new drink at Starbucks.

   Woke up this morning thinking "It's great to be alive!" Pulled in to work thinking "Just shoot me now....."

   I say, Tiffany Cormier has some pretty interesting things to say.

   Trump's budget: 2 + 2 = 7

   A federal budget that doesnt hurt the middle class? ? ? Well sign me up 3 times, even though I'm not registered democrate.

   Wish I could have went to the Ariana Grande concert, I heard it was a blast.

   I don't swim because it's never 30 minutes after the last time I ate.

   I licked gayray's valuables in a Chicago Home Depot. They were having a half off wood sale so he fit right in

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   "The sixth sick sheikh's sixth sheep's sick." Say that three times fast.

   Confucius say: "Wife who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

   If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed. - Today's media and Nazi Propoganda

   Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion

   Interviewer: You ever do time? Me: I've mixed basil with weed, even freebased oregano, but I've never done thyme. Interviewer: I meant in jail, but I think we're done here.