Funny Status Messages

   A man drove past my house in a van painted: come to my van for free candy. Everyone thought he was dangerous, but I got my candy eventually.... the memories

   Thanks I'll be here till 11, don't forget to tip your waitress she's my only ride home.

   The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   I don't understand why male paedophiles, who likes male children, don't consider themselves gay.

   I was planning to have my teeth polished but decided to get a tan instead.

   Trolls used to live under bridges...now they work for the DNC and are on the internet.

   If I could have dinner with anyone, alive and dead, no question,,, I would want it to be Schrödinger's cat

   William Henry Harrison had a better first 100 days than Trump, and he was dead for 69 of them.

   The ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, and the salami is hatching from its own egg. Why did I even come into the Salvador Deli?

   666 is no longer the number of evil. It is now 45.

   It’s May 4 soon, the one day of the year when Star Wars fans celebrate being able to use quite possibly the best pun in the world: “May the Fourth be with you”.

   You're right Donald J. Trump, no one has ever asked why the Civil War happened, except for every seventh-grade teacher in America.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Cold cereal is the sweatpants of food.

   Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends.

   I told my boss I wanted to take some mental health leave but I was all out. He said "You're all out of leave?" I said "No, I'm all out of mental health."

   Let’s pretend like we just went camping. When you wake up the next morning, you notice that your underwear is on backwards. Would you tell anyone about it? If your answer is no, do you want to go camping?

   Woke up this morning to find mets In 1st place . Then I realized my phone was upside down