Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Progressive Rock: A musical genre which requires an inordinate amount of time and skill to write, rehearse, record and perform, only to bore 90% of all music fans to tears.

   Earth is a beautiful planet. However, it's the disproportionate number of its horrible 7.5 billion inhabitants that were responsible for it receiving only 1 star on Intergalactic Yelp.

   Happy Earth Day. I'm did my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Apparently today is Earth Day? I wish someone would have told me that before I went outside and cut millions of blades of grass in half and poisoned the yellow flowers in my yard. (actually, I would have done it anyway)

   It's finally here! .. That time of year when my seasonal depression turns into just regular depression.

   The cashier at the grocery store asked if I wanted a paper or plastic bag. I said plastic. She goes, "You must have a pretty girlfriend."

   it possible to get herpes over the internet? Asking for a friend who's dead meat when my wife, I mean his wife finds out. Come on, she was hot!

   Kids today have no idea how to manage their time. Back in my day, I was able to do 18 holes and still found to to play golf.

   I think it's isensitive for Batman movies to be rated PG

   The Fate of the Furious: mindless drivel supported by today's mindless moviegoers. Proving how easy it is nowadays to separate an idiot from his money.

   I got in touch with my feminine side this morning. I made myself breakfast.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough...

   FOX needs to hire more women who look like Rachel Madcow. Problem solved.

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   I opened up this app & just keep swiping right at all the sexy pictures...I can't believe how many selfies I have stored in my pictures

   A recent survey indicates that the Smartphone is now the number one hand held device. The p3ni$ has now dropped to second place.

   I lost 3 pounds over the weekend.but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut

   Feels weird when your computer asks if you'd like to continue unprotected....

   Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?

   They say that inside every heavy person there's a thin person wanting to get out. I must have the entire cast of America's Next Top Model inside me.