Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Earn extra cash from superstitious strangers by placing a wishing well in your front garden.

   OKAY honey don't freak out someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)

   I've been wracking my brain trying to remember that movie where Joe Pesci plays a hot-tempered little tough guy.

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..

   I only watch p.orn on 13 inch tv's. I feel better about myself.

   After today's revelations about Susan Rice, I think it's become clear that the only foreigner who meddled in the election was Obama.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but even a claustrophobic person would be okay inside her.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an ass.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   I'm not saying she's easy, but every time she eats a banana she automatically puts one hand behind her head.

   Menage a trois- French for disappointing two girls at the same time.

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   I never follow my heart because involuntary, myogenic organs are terrible decision makers.

   There have been only two authentic geniuses in the world, Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare. — Tallulah Bankhead

   The phrase "fake news" is getting just as annoying as "wazzz-uuuuup"

   Tony Romo threw in the towel today, even that was intercepted.

   North Korea fired a Ballistic missile today. Guess they're out of Ballistic missiles now .

   If governments are so worried about controlling addictive substances why aren't there laws about Nutella yet?

   The President's old Ferrari sold at auction for $270,000. It would've sold for more but it had some pre-existing conditions.

   Congrats to NJ Transit trains, for going more consistently off the rails than a Sean Spicer press conference.