Funny Status Messages

   What's the difference between a illegal and a park bench??? A park bench can support a family

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1994. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now.

   Every time at Subway they make you a bad sandwich, shove it in their mouth.

   Sorry there will be no April Fools day prank coming out of the white house. They already did by putting Trump in office.

   Don't give me this, "Just because I accepted your friend request, it doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with you" stuff. If I had wanted to sleep with you, it would've happened already.

   All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.

   i am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   Already rolling my eyes in preparation for the 4/20 snap chats I get on Easter.

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   One time in 6th grade me and my friend got to an Easter egg hunt early and switched all the candy in the eggs with mustard and ketchup.

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   I went from fat to fit ... but only on the "how do you compare physically to the President" scale.

   Never give up on your dreams. You can go from Slovakian call girl to First Lady if you put your mind to it.

   Trump has asked his senior advisors to figure out a way to combine his two favourite pastimes ... golf, and getting peed on by Russian call girls.

   Kids consider “it’s bedtime” like it’s the first offer in the negotiation process.

   Why is a bus like a garbage truck? It makes frequent stops to pick up the trash.

   am starting a go-fund-me page to gave a giraffe a c-section