Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your kid is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

   The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

   "claims he worked like a dog"......i must be getting ripped off because my dog doesnt do any work at all around the house

   I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?

   Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.

   You're like the Tampax string hanging out of people.

   well,, of course Sea Salt is better than regular salt cuz,, you know, ,,,, fish poop

   I never calculate a risk before I take it.

   The way this administration is going..... I need something more than coffee , but less than cocaine

   I think there should be a constitutional amendment where if the president is impeached, they must be placed in a pillory and have actual peaches tossed him. L

   Online contest to rename POTUS ... I vote for Pouty McPoutface or Fatty McFatface.

   I think this lunatic POTUS just needs to get laid. Can someone convince a Melania to take on for the Country?

   Yesterday a guy asked me "would you give me three dollars for a sandwich?" and I said. "I don't know. Let me see the sandwich."

   Waiting for the release of the blockbuster sequel "The Art of the Lie."

   Hey Mr. President. Mother Nature called. She wants her protection back.

   They now say alot of the fake news came out of Russia. Subsequently picked up and reported by CNN

   Mexico has the FBI. The American equivalent of The girl scouts.

   Good thing scientists were WRONG about the ozone huh?

   If Obama gave out government grants for sukin dik guess what scientists would be doing......