Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If two trains leave New York, one heading west at 40mph and the other heading south at 35mph, where are my car keys?

   Yes, I realize I'm leaving early. But don't forget, I also came in late.

   When I'm drunk you're hot, when I'm not, you're not.

   iPhone 4: Loses bars when you hold it, gets lost in bars when you don't.

   Can everyone who has an iPhone 4 stop talking about it until the rest of the world has them? Thanks.

   learned to never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

   --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death

   sarcastic comment loading... ████████████ 95% ... wait for it... wait for it..

   on a scale of 1 to justin bieber , how gay are you?

   I never knew how corny some of my friends were before I added them on Facebook.

   A ducks opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have any bread.

   ... the weather guy just said, "We'll keep you up to breast" instead of "abreast." Guess this heat is getting to him, too ...

   in honor of Michael Jackson, I think I will start the day off with the famous "crazy feet" dance and end with grabbing my foster home sack!!

   ...just heard that the Jackson family has asked, In honor of the 1-year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson, that all child actors wear their pants at "half-staff" today...

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   now knows what happened to Michael Jackson. South Africa made thousands of vuvuzela horns out of him.

   just watched World Cup Highlights of all the goals scored. That's 43 seconds of my life I will never get back!

   What part of Floccinaucinihilipilification dont you understand?

   how IRONIC hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia is the fear of long words

   I'm just not that into you.....when I'm sober.