Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5442 of 6446

I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."
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03-10-2017 11:23 by Diesel
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Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't had a meeting yet.
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03-10-2017 14:22
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When you start receiving "Lifetime Achievement" awards it's probably a good time to make sure your will is up to date.

I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)
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03-11-2017 14:42 by Fambook
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I'm going to see to it that Tallmtnman dies from my hands. We don't need raci.sts like him.
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03-11-2017 15:24 by BLM
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Remember this my friends: With great power comes a great electric bill.
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03-11-2017 16:04 by Mick
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Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.
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03-11-2017 16:05 by Mick
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I have herpes. Wait. Autocorrect strikes again. I have recipes.

i dropped my affordable health care because I couldn't afford it .
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03-11-2017 17:04
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Women will get equal pay once they are willing to pick up the check at dinner.
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03-11-2017 20:05
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don't forget tonight we time travel without a T.A.R.D.I.S
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03-11-2017 21:36 by Eddy
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Given the exploding population of idiots in our communities, I think it’s about time we required people to pass a test first before they are allowed to vote. We can’t afford to put our destiny in the hands of clueless idiots.
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03-12-2017 00:19 by Baddie
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Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.
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03-12-2017 00:21
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We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.
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03-12-2017 03:43
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America won't be truly great again until we eradicate anyone who willingly orders coleslaw as a side
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03-12-2017 07:10 by flinnie
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I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I'm being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I'm talking about

Wife asks why I keep a weapon inside the house. Told her I was scared of government agencies spying on us-- She laughed. I laughed. Our Smart TV laughed.
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03-12-2017 09:54
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I'm checking his room for drugs
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03-12-2017 09:57
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Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.
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03-12-2017 09:57
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Don't forget to tutn your clocks forward to eliminate one hour of the Trump presidency.
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03-12-2017 10:50
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