Funny Status Messages

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

   Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"

   Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

   Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   Its funny that people are upset with a gay character in a Disney movie but are perfectly fine with beastuality

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   I'm going to say goodbye to some of you now. Let's see you reads my page. If you are my friend click like and copy and paste this to your fridge.

   I've I heard people want to boycott Beauty and the Beast because there's a gay character in it. It's okay for a teenage girl to fall in love with a rabid, hairy dog, but you can't have a gay person in a movie?

   Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid was your question!

   My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.

   When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage

   I just called BS but it went straight to voicemail.