Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," Naturally I assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   This giraffe is such an attention hog they should name the baby "Kardashian".

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,… to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   What’s the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that

   I thought we had something. You met my family, you made me dinner, you called me Honey. Now suddenly you are just a "waitress" who was "doing her job".

   Alcohol is like a push up bra for your personality...

   Relax America. The Russians have now confirmed there was nothing going on between them and the White House. What more do you need?

   Just remember when you vote that they care more about party than country.

   Can you imagine the outrage if Obama had refused to share his taxes with the people?

   Chicks with nice b( . )( . )bs always seem to say the right things.

   The secret of our marriage is chemistry. She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   I was going to moving to Russia if Hillary won the election. . .

   I just saw a man at the beach yelling ”help shark help” I just laughed I know that shark wasn't going to help him...

   From now on I will only accept apologies in cash......

   Negative People irks my nerves.. worry about yourself... maybe you're not getting promoted cuz you so negative!!!!

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   I have nothing in common with people who replace bread ties.