Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend said she wants our relationship to be like a fairy-tale. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   You know we're on the right track when the American nation trust Russia .... More than they trust the Democrat Party.

   There's a fine line between crazy & free spiirited and it's usually a prescription.

   I know I am a guy but stopping offended when I try to breast-feed in public. Besides, it helps my dog and I bond better

   I'm pretty sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.

   Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in

   There's a thin line between Nirmal and Crazy people , and that line is usually cocaine

   If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he’s probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, that’s what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.

   "Thank God!!! They are finally taking these damn rubber bands off." -The last thing a lobster thinks.

   (Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.

   7 earth-like planets have been discovered nearby, with growing fear of illegal aliens, Trump has decided to turn his wall into a dome.

   Ever have one of those nights you were almost involved in a threesome, but one hand fell asleep. . .

   Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down... You have my Word.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   Your parents are still alive and togather but when you asked "who is your favourite couple?" your answer is "Jay Z and Beyonce",for real?

   Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!

   Jack & Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. However, for less than a dollar a day you can help us dig a well in their village so that those poor children won't have to climb that hill daily.

   My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.