Funny Status Messages

   My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face ..... I love Sharpie markers.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Winter seems more like a booty call than a three-month relationship.

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words

   Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

   Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   I'm recording an album called "My Sinuses Unplugged."

   The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I'm thinking taco cart...

   i saved a bunch of money on valentines day by switching to unwanted.

   "Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln's last Tweet.

   It's called the "Grammy Awards" not the "Useful Idiot Awards" ... So shut up and Sing!

   driving to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

   Heck .... Joy Villa should at least receive a Best Dressed award at the Grammy's!!!

   There is a fat black lady who looks like Beyoncé on TV

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken.

   DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year.

   Wow! Did everyone notice C3PO at the Grammys??? He sure has let himself go...