Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm gonna build a fence, how do I get my neighbors to pay for it? Asking for a friend

   I think EVERY elevator should have it's "2" button replaced with,, "Congratulations, You lazy @$$."

   No one is above the law, especially the president.

   Super Bowl: it's like WrestleMania, but boring.

   How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven't paid for a ticket from entering the game!" #NotMySuperBowl

   I'm pretty sure my guardian angel is in therapy for PTSD.

   Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.🎩

   Even Heaven has a Wall .... a Gate ..... and Extreme Vetting to get in .....

   Not very happy with my new microphone but I'll hang on to it in case I ever want to make a video that sounds like I'm at the bottom of a well shouting into an empty beer can.

   It's like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"

   I come from a long line of men who will happily answer to a name that is not their own, which may or may not sound vaguely similar to it.

   I'm rubber you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Ma'am, that's not how speeding tickets work.

   Damn girl, are we in a bad western? 'Cause I wanna have an hour long showdown with you that would only take 5 minutes in real life.

   Trump really trying to take credit for Obama's 227,000 added jobs in January? Smh.....

   I thought Super Bowl LI was a Pho Soup special at a Vietnamese restaurant.

   Ladies, If a guy mutes the volume during the Super Bowl when you sit down next to him, you need to do one thing. Marry him.

   Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals......

   Do people literally just sit there and think about Trump ALL DAY long? My lord people. Watch Netflix, go outside, go to work, eat an apple, have sex, call a friend, do laundry, smoke pot, buy a truck, plan a trip, rob an old lady, cook jello, use a port a

   I'm a Twinkie in a Dingdong world !

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.