Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lesson learned: Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine without first turning off the hoses. Okay. Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine, period.

   I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

   The definition of a Canadian - An unarmed American with Health Insurance!

   My doctor needed a stool, a ur-ine, a se-men and a blood sample. I gave him my underwear.

   It's never good when Human Resources sends you an email and the subject line is "Your Facebook Activity".

   Well, Groundhog Day has been a bust. As Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow, he was immediately detained and subjected to extreme vetting to determine whether he holds anti-American views. The ACLU is protesting and demanding his release.

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting

   Well, It is becoming very self evident who the REAL and True Tolerant people in the US are. Just look who can't refrain from being violent.

   How was the peaceful protest at Berkeley last night? Did they quitely sing kumbaya?

   Beer, because no good story ever started with a salad .

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.

   I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash !

   I'm a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don't care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

   I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I'm always late, and all the good choices are already taken..

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

   I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.

   Beyonce has more African American people in her belly than Trump has in his cabinet.