Funny Status Messages

   CNN = Counterfeit News Network

   Sure,, Sure,, I could kill you with kindness,, but let’s see what else is just lying around I can use first.

   My wife said, "You're driving me to my grave!" I had the car out in two minutes.

   I heard someone say they wouldn't wish Dementia/Alzheimers on their WORST ENEMY. I would. They'd forget about killing me.

   I am way too stoned to drive drunk officer .

   When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it's not what you think...

   While it was predictable to imagine Trump criticizing John Lewis, it's impossible to imagine him risking his life for the rights of others.

   If 3 Doors Down is playing the inauguration who's covering their shifts at Applebee's?

   Since giving up carbs, I've been feeling..Oh, what's that word?? Homicidal...

   It's not likely that any of you have ever heard of the Fugawi Indian Tribe. It was a lost tribe that spent their days wandering the plains, endlessly chanting, "Where the Fugawi?"

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   If you ever get stuck babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.

   I think I'm going to buy one of those new 3D printers. Then I'll use it to print another 3D printer and then return the original printer to get my money back.

   Life is give and take; I give and you take, probably.

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   It's much better to wake up and go pee than to go pee and wake up

   Who needs Ringling Bros. when we have the White House.

   Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.

   Purina hung up on me. I suggested mouse flavored cat food.

   Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.