Funny Status Messages

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around calked Unused Sick Days. Apparently it's very contagious.

   We had joy we had fun, specially in your mother's cun....

   Whatta ya want for breakfast? Burnt toast and a rotten egg. Burnt toast and a rotten egg? Whatta ya want that for? I got a tapeworm and that's good enough for him!

   Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.

   Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.

   When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.

   I'm not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.

   OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Bööber.

   In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.

   When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don't understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.

   I've had only had one glass of wine. . . Glass, bottle. . . whatever. . . A bottle is glass, right ??

   I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?

   like who in their right mind would waste good money on life insurance when you can tell your sob story on Go Fund Me and stupid people to give you money?

   Dear Santa, yea I was naughty this year ..and it was worth it, you fat, judgmental b*stard!

   I heard overhead on the PA system at Walmart: "Customer service needed in sporting goods, we have a customer by the balls".

   2016: Well 2017, it's almost your turn. You cannot possibly do as bad a job as I did. 2017: Hold my beer.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   Antarctica called. It wants it's weather back.

   The week of the year when people buy gifts for people they don't wanna see, for a night they don't wanna go to, with money they don't have.