Funny Status Messages

   Listening to terrestrial radio nowadays is the equivalent to plugging into someone else's IPod.

   Know what makes me mad? When I get a Cornucopia that has no corn or ucopia.

   My therapist says I'm paranoid. Which is exactly what you might expect to hear from a shape-shifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts after they planted a microchip in my brain.

   it is it Hanukkah, Chanukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, Chanuka, Chanukkah, Hanuka, Channukah, Chanukka, Hanukka, Hannuka, Hannukkah, Channuka, Xanuka, Hannukka, Channukkah, Channukka, Chanuqa, Khanuká, or חֲנֻכָּה‎?

   *at a fancy restaurant.. . Ummm,, yes, what color wines do you have

   Listen,, If you're mad about Trump being named Time's Person of the Year, wait until you hear who was elected president.

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.

   All those against armpit tickling raised their hands..... *And what happened next is history.

   This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   When I'm bored I like going to down to the train station, making eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to that is until she got that restraining order.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm out in public. Thanks.

   I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise you...one finger.

   Thanks to a 60" HD TV, a DVR, and a "pause" button on my remote, it only took 3 hours for me to watch the 1 hour Victoria Secrets show.

   A buddy of mine just told me he's been getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin...I said, "Wow, how can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."

   There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected

   "With great b( . )( . )bs comes great responsibility".

   I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.