Funny Status Messages

   To all the horny female teachers out there. There are grown men who will gladly let you sexually abuse them. . .

   My Christmas tree wasn't the only thing that got lit up last weekend!!

   If Trump said he loves kittens, the Washington Post headline would be: Trump hates puppies...

   Getting tired of seeing her updated Facebook selfies again for the 20th time today....

   I hope there will never be an assassination attempt on our President Elect. But it would be really funny just to hear the Secret Service yell "Donald, duck!"

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   BREAKING NEWS: Massive cold takes over US after Trump calls out Heat Miser on Twitter

   This Christmas you can either join the Mile High club or the less prestigious Rock Bottom club, having sex on a Greyhound bus. If that's not rock bottom, I don't know what is.

   New N.S.A. Watchlist: People who hurt my feelings on Twitter.

   For everyone that talks bad about Walmart, they now carry throw pillows that look like slices of pizza if you wanna take it all back.

   If you wait until your 30s to donate your eggs, they'll say no & tell you to find another way to finance your kitchen remodel.

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   You ever look at someone and think, "they probably have cocaine in their pocket"?

   2 out of 10 people at Starbuck's today said, "Thank you," when they were handed their coffee like basic human decency is so fuckin' hard.

   Egg Nog is the perfect holiday drink for when you don't feel like breathing out of your mouth for a few hours.

   Apparently they're called mini liquor bottles, not child sized

   Breaking news: Trump to appoint dingo to watch baby.

   Christmas - The time of year when you can get the whole dysfunctional family together under one roof!

   R.I.P. Jason Seaver

   I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.