Funny Status Messages

   ... Well ... Yes ... Technically ..... I do think that burning the American Flag is a form of Free Speech ...... All I ask is that you wrap yourself in it FIRST before setting it on fire ....

   it odd to anyone else that a telephone makes sound travel faster than the speed of sound?

   So, Mick Jagger is a new father at the age of 73. I guess time really is on his side.

   Today I heard a guy on the street say, 'It's chowder season, baby!' so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words

   It always seems impossible until it's done

   Casual Fridays? I'm holding out for Optional Fridays.

   Flat screens are nice and all, but they'll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.

   ... No people .... Trump did NOT pick El Chapo to head the DEA!!

   PUBLIC CHRISTMAS SAFETY ANNOUNCEMENT: .... Always remember, If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.

   FINALLY!!! ..... I'm not being harassed incessantly by my family and coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was really rough back in July tho.

   We live in a curious time in history where for the first time parents send their children off to College and they return to us as mental toddlers.

   Hang in there poor people. Only 2 more years until Democrats pretend to care about you again.

   No People ... Contrary to the Main Stream Media reports .... the President Elect ... DID NOT ... appoint Bill Cosby as the new Secretary for Women's Rights.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate

   "Oh wow, it's a fruitcake! I'm going to eat it right now" said no one ever.

   It's a good thing I'm not in charge of a vote #recount . I'd charge five million bucks, wait a week, and say "We're done. It's the same as the first time."

   Yes mom,,, Of course I know the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer,,,, it's the taste.

   Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.

   All of these years in therapy have finally paid off folks... Turns out my therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   if I Really tell Santa what I want for Christmas, Then I will definitely be on his naughty list ...