Funny Status Messages

   no need to scroll further, as it only get worse from here...

   An Asian in charge of Transportation? That's like putting a fox in charge of a hen house.

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   WIFE: You forgot to turn the TV off last night [flashback to me leaving it on so the dog could finish watching Shrek].... ME: No I didn't

   An #Asian in charge of #Transportation? Plus also being #female? I plead the 5th on the grounds of making people mad with the joke I have.

   All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.

   Last night I went to a "Testicular Cancer" survivor party. Everyone had a ball.

   A few days ago, Stephen Hawking predicted the earth has 1000 years to survive. Where will Keith Richards go if that happens?

   If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn't let you skip.

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your wife 3 glasses of wine.

   Whenever I hear an Italian say that they love Olive Garden, to me that translates to, "My mama was a lousy cook."

   The only reason God gave women legs, is so they don't leave snail trails. . .

   Just saw a guy getting mugged. I was going to help him out, but he was wearing Crocs.

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".

   I never cared to look for Waldo. . .

   Open the fridge and there's only one beer left. "Me thinking............who's been drinking my beer's! " Oh never mind......that would be me....dang it!

   Years ago, some heckler at a gig I wasm yelled, "Hey, man. If I slept with your wife while you were out at a gig and she got pregnant, would that make us related?" I go, "I don't know, but it'd sure make us even!"

   R.I.P. creator of the Big Mac, the most prolific serial killer of all time.

   Any bank can be a sperm bank if you're left alone in the safety deposit box room.