Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5371 of 6446

Dear Facebook, how does it matter what Trump thinks about me? What matters is what he thinks about our beautiful land of America
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11-22-2016 04:44
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Running away doesn't help you with your problems, unless your problem is obesity
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11-22-2016 04:46
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My first childhood Lesson was that if you dream you're having a piss, you are most likely having a piss
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11-22-2016 04:46
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Being a Man is great until you hear a noise late at night and your wife makes you realize that you are the one who is supposed to go investigate
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11-22-2016 04:47
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If my "check Fuel" light would just "check my wallet"....It would know there's nothing I can do about it
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11-22-2016 04:47
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You know it's going to be a crappy day when it starts with sneezing while brushing your teeth
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11-22-2016 04:48
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My personal trainer says that I need to start eating healthier. I guess this means I have to start adding lettuce & tomato to my burgers
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11-22-2016 04:48
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ou do Waiters in the Restaurant always ask you as soon as you enter,"Would You Like a Table Sir?” … “No not at all, I came to the Restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”
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11-22-2016 04:48
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A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours
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11-22-2016 04:49
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Kanye West 'hospitalised in Los Angeles'. Our thoughts and prayers go out at this difficult time to the hospital staff.

At the Dr. office today. Either someone is wearing cotton candy scented lotion or a #unicorn peed in this corner.

I establish dominance in a relationship by being a man.
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11-22-2016 10:42
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I just voted for Trump just to make SNL funnier.....
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11-22-2016 11:06
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Yes ... Stop burning the US flag..... But ALSO stop waving the Mexican flag in America because that's disgusting af
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11-22-2016 11:42
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We might be best friends for life, but if we get chased by zombies, I will probably trip you. :)
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11-22-2016 14:12
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[] <- This is my box. I don't want to think outside it, I like my box! No, you can't touch my box! No touchy my box!
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11-22-2016 14:13
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Just my luck, first time I get a B.J and it's from a hooker with Asthma !
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11-22-2016 14:16
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Just saw a cop pull over a UHaul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
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11-22-2016 14:17
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever and it starts over because it forgot something. That's a five year old kid telling a story.
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11-22-2016 14:19
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If putting a straw in a Capri Sun is evidence of my stabbing skills, I hope I'm never in a knife fight.
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11-22-2016 15:55
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