Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If out of all the things to protest in the world right now, you chose Ryan Lochte, I hope you get swimmer's ear.

   Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.

   Surgeon General's Warning To Parents: When your kids are old enough to buy their own birthday presents for you, the gifts get really, really crappy.

   As it turns out Juggalos cannot juggle and now I'm wishing I hadn't invited so many over.

   80's - Republicans vote for an actor. 10's - Republicans vote for a reality star. ...Why do they still blame Hollywood for everything?

   I fashioned a Snuggie out of several ShamWows. I look like an idiot, but I'm extremely absorbent.

   Screaming at Kaepernick to stand up during the national anthem seems slightly more disrespectful.

   SHOCKING: Last night, all the cellists in the Hollywood Bowl orchestra sat during the National Anthem.

   How To Satisfy Fast Food Cravings: 1) Grab a handful of almonds. 2) Step off the building.

   If I say "1-2-3-and to the 4" and you don't respond "Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at tha door"....I guess we never really knew each other.

   Oh shut up. You weren't even offended by the word deplorable until you looked it up.

   My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

   LIberals scream billying the loudest, then call whoever who do not agree with them, the worst words and degrade them. Just like a bully.

   Donald Trump is starting a petition to stop the sale of pre-shredded cheese. He’s very serious about trying to make the USA grate again.

   My wife threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop with the endless flamingo impressions. So I had to put my foot down.

   I just walked by an old man who kept saying, “One, three, five, seven, nine… one, three, five, seven, nine…” I thought, “How odd.”

   Deplorable and Proud. -My new T-Shirt

   Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.

   Never try to reason with a person who wants to save every stray animal alive but is fine with killing 3,000 babies a day...