Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: If you're a billionaire and you don't have a private 24 hour Starbucks added to your mansion you're doing it wrong.

   If this store knew anything about marketing there would be a wine display in the back to school supply section.

   You haven't lived like a pimp until you've paid your fall college tuition in cash.

   When it's time to pick teams I'm picking the concession stand every time because sno cones are delicious.

   So when you have to leave for the airport at 3 AM is it better to snort ground coffee straight or just let Jesus take the wheel?

   Just turned in an assignment on hookers and blow. This organized crime class is the best.

   The Land of the Free but don't exercise your freedoms because that's not patriotic.

   Its funny how black NFL players sit during the national anthem in protest but would surely shoot another black for a cool pair of sneakers.

   its not very often I act my age but when I do its fcuking boring !!

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   May the bridges I burn light the path in front of me...

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   ... Hard to believe we are at another anniversary of 9/11 again ..... It's also hard to believe that the same people that funded that attack are also funding 20% of Hillary Clinton's Presidential Campaign!!! .... My how times have changed!!

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.

   AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"

   Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.

   When one door closes another one opens, in this haunted house I live in....

   Wonders if Jay Z ever addressed the 99 other problems he had.

   Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.