Funny Status Messages

   Bought a crock pot today and suddenly realized I might not be the life of the party I thought I was.

   The secret to a happy marriage is to completely master the "I'm listening" head nod while your wife is speaking....

   In school they always called me a bookworm because I ate books.

   Just got kicked out of Starbucks for not carrying a Macbook.

   If you think it's impressive that the US got a gold medal in the air rifle event, just wait and see how they do in the mass shooting category!

   At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does.

   My rags to riches story is going from Top Ramen to $12 Ramen with an egg in it.

   The porn parody of Suicide Squad had better character development than the actual movie.

   .... In case you are wondering kiddies ..... Bongs are definitely the sound of Unemployment .... So stay away from them ... Well ... unless you're a Democrat .... Then that is probably why you became one in the first place.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Why is it that every relationship with the best sex also comes with drama and domestic violence?

   Generic dollar store condoms on your trip to Thailand.

   Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.

   Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....

   It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.

   Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."

   If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.

   Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.