Funny Status Messages

   Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   Wait, were those actually political conventions or a seemingly endless loop of American Horror Story??

   Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You

   it true that the tons of confetti dropped at the Democrat National Convention was actually Hillary's shredded emails?

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you will see after a while, whereas the other, you will see them later.

   2016 Presidential election. ISIS is claiming responsibility for this act of terror.

   .... All Lives Matter ..... Well .... Except: terrorists, rapists, child molesters, cop killers & anybody who hates America. Screw those those people!

   Yup ... Once you advocate killing cops ... You are no longer protesters ...... You are now Terrorists!

   I asked my dry cleaners if they accepted credit cards and they said yes and then I asked if by chance they accepted declined credit cards.

   Rule number one for our new Ice Maker: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.

   They say that we are what we eat. That means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   America paid Bill $500,000 a year to screw Monica. Guess who Hillary is gonna screw...

   Ancient ad featuring a very young Rolling Stones singing. Because of their age now, they should call their next shows the "Snap, Crackle, and Pop Tour".

   I think Trump is actually turned himself into the Human form or "clickbait"