Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [Watching a baby being born] is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

   "No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."

   "Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times."

   "Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left."

   The Backstreet Boys are boycotting British Petroleum. I think I'll wait to see what the New Kids on the Block are going to do.

   It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

   It's a lot easier to fall into trouble than it is to work out of it.

   hopes Joran van der Sloot gets the electric chair...then he'll be called 'The Frying Dutchman'

   thinks this world is filled with mistakes and regrets, but it's all a lesson. Learn from it.

   thinks that hard work never killed anybody, but wht take the chance?

   - Kim Jong-il says to Brasil players: Oul lockets have vely long lange!

   If you're so much better than the leading brand... why aren't you the leading brand?

   Thomas Kinkade was arrested for drunk driving...I wonder how long until he releases his new painting, "lights through the jailhouse window"?

   A leopard can't change its spots, unless it has Photoshop.

   Bronchitis is my least favorite dinosaur.

   Eating kidney beans is a very small step towards cannibalism...

   It's obvious that Ed Hardy is g@y. No straight man would decide he would rather design clothing than solve mysteries with his brothers...

   wondering if you have sex with a girl with multiple personalities, is it considered a "orgy"?

   The idea is to die young as late as possible

   All my friends who have Girlfriends want to be single... All my friends who are single want girlfriend friends... As for me, I just want a slave...