Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Really hate to lose my Ashley Madison password. It's not like I can just ask my wife to help me find it.

   If you want help moving I can only assume you're not an adult. Adults hire movers.

   94% sure that the band Live still holds the record for singing about placenta in the opening of a song.

   It surely can't be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name.

   A break up is bad when you have to point to a chalk outline.

   The young neighbors next door do things like water the lawn and plant flowers. I remember when I had hopes and dreams.

   There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn't say why.

   It's not the heat. It's the humidity......and the morons.

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   To the Democrats: Your parents cant afford another 4 years of you living in their basement.

   What's up with Hillary and all her doctor evil jackets? Oh wait.. It makes sense.

   Canada is like a really nice apartment above a meth lab .

   Say what you want about Bernie Sanders, I always wonder if he is related to KFC's Colonel Sanders?

   How do you get Americans to exercise their right to vote when you can't even get them to exercise?

   When they legalize weed you should consider investing in pizza shops.

   Those open borders seem to be working really well for Europe.

   It's sad when I'm too lazy to wash my car. That means I'm too lazy to play on my phone while my car sits on a conveyor belt.

   Miss Cleo has died, but if you act now, you can attend her funeral for only $2.99 a minute.

   When I was born, the doctor said to my mother: "Congratulations!!! You have an eight-pound ham."

   Thinking about being the President. But my wife, Melania, said she wouldn't want to move into a much smaller house.