Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People took LSD to make the world weird . . . now people take Prozac to make it normal.

   Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned!!

   Whatever hits the fan . . . never gets evenly distributed!

   LOL = laugh out loud ... or . . . I don't want to talk anymore

   Never underestimate the power of a woman -- nor overestimate her age and weight.

   "Before you give somebody a piece of your mind, be sure you can get by with what you have left."

   The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."

   A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

   The worst thing about a bore is not that he won't stop talking, but that he won't let you stop listening."

   donates £2 a month to starving Africans - and what do they do? Go out and buy a f-kin trumpet!

   If your eyes are positive you would like all the people in the world.But if your tongue is positive all the people in the world like you.

   Lets Just call MacGyver out of retirement to fix the BP oil leak and call it a day!

   dont understand women...its very simple. I put my hand on your hip, when I dip you dip, we dip

   Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve bottles of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

   sometimes a majority simply means that most of the fools are on the same side.

   looks like I wont be updating my status anytime soon..

   "While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, remember, it usually spoils faster."

   A penny saved is a girlfriend lost.

   Nothing makes food less fattening than being too expensive.

   "The sweetest age in the world is sixteen, or whatever age your daughter is."