santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   My Christmas tree smells like pine, and is hanging from the shift lever in my car.

   Well its December. Time to spend an hour putting up the Christmas tree and 16 hours fighting with the wife about it.

   Tasers, but for people who listen to Christmas music in October. Or talk before noon.

   Time to start saying "Happy Holidays" to people so that there is no shortage of things to complain about on Facebook. It is the season of giving, and I'm a giver.

   Santa know's where all the bad girls live but only empties his sack once a year. WTF?

   Dear Santa: This year I would like a "Bailout and a Bonus."..."Yes, I know I have been really bad, spent my money frivolously ,even did some illegal things and therefore I think I deserve it."----The Government

   I wish I could slim down my waistline during the Holidays like my wife slims down my wallet.

   What I am asking Santa for this year is his list of naughty women over 30. . .

   Amazon is now offering Special Christmas Drone Deliveries to Pakistan!

   Happy Hoildays Schmolidays. Merry Christmas Schmistmas. I lean towards the Christmas greeting, but I gotta be honest with myself. I don't care. I'm mainly in it for the food.

   Unless your Christmas tree is electrocuting you, keep photos of that stupid sh*t to yourself.

   Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove

   "Christmas" Trees $5.00 per ft...."Holiday" Trees $20 per ft......Merry Christmas!

   i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.

   I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas.

   With the holidays, I'd rather check my facebook than face my checkbook...

   I don't get "drunk" during the holidays I get "festive".

   Holiday Tip #37: Eat asparagus around the holidays. If you're anything like me, the green combined with the red in the toilet lends itself to a wonderful bathroom holiday ambiance

   I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!