Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Can I get Zika from watching the Rio Olympics on TV?

   Nancy Grace decided to leave CNN to spend more time annoying the crap out of her family.

   TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.

   There's no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.

   A balloon gives my kids a solid hour of entertainment: 3 minutes of fighting over who gets the balloon, 57 minutes of crying after it pops.

   Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.

   Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she's a police horse, who cares?!?!

   My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary.

   They call cat people crazy but they're not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

   Looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.

   Now is the time when we need the calm and reassuring wisdom of people who studied abroad in the UK for a semester this summer.

   Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   Finish your plate, there are people starving at Victoria's Secret.

   Behind every man is a beautiful woman, shaking her head.

   I earned my certification as a freelance gynecologist...now I need a slogan. "No matter the stench...I'll examine the trench" Thoughts?

   An asteroid and volcanic eruptions wiped out the dinosaurs. Technology and the misuse of it will wipeout mankind.

   ran 2.7 mi today , apparently the ice cream truck dosen't have rear view mirrors,. I hope that the time when we paid with two protein en-crusted tube sock's full of corroded pennies didn't have anything to do with it...