Funny Status Messages

   me: Waiter, we're in a hurry. Will those hot dogs be long? Waiter: about a foot sir. me: (heavy sigh)

   Just ate a salad when I could've eaten a cheeseburger. Where's my reward? I should get an award, right? Maybe a cheeseburger.

   Most of the time I feel like an intelligent person until that moment when I'm talking on my cell phone and suddenly panic because my cell phone isn't in my pocket.

   Found Dory in my fish burger today, she was delicious.

   Paul Ryan prefers sit-ups, not sit-ins. Now now Democrats, I'm in my zone.

   Apparently answering "Dust!!" when your partner asked what's on the TV wasn't the correct answer.

   "Scots love me and I love those haggis smelling weirdos who wear those little girlie skirts!" -Trump, eventually, during his Scotland trip.

   Oh no, Ben Affleck is now trending, what superhero did he get cast for now?

   The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.

   Nothing says America needs a third viable political party like having Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton as presidential candidates for the Republican and Democratic Parties respectively.

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   Don't worry inbox, I'm empty too.