Funny Status Messages

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.

   When my girlfriend and I broke up, she got the bed and I got the coffee machine. So now I don't have a bed and I'm more aware of it now.

   You had me at hello. Then you said "sorry wrong apartment". Come back. You know where I live.

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   Now that Microsoft had bought LinkedIn, you have even more reason to pretend you know Excel.

   Your body expands in the Summer which is why it's important to use weight in the Winter.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   Pro Tip: SPF 50 repels anyone over the age of 50.

   4 new elements have been added to the periodic table. Adding to the list of things you won't retain from high school.

   You're telling me that not one person in that entire club thought to hide in the closet?

   Happy 70th, Donald. Don't forget to take a little time out to think about yourself today. Oh and make sure you get some cake before Chris Christie gets there!

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?

   This Friday, Finding Dory will be release in theaters as well as Season 4 of Orange is the new Black on Netflix. One is about the adventures of a lost soul in a sea of fish searching for love. The other is made by Pixar.

   Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.