Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The chicken never actuall crossed the road... it was a government conspiracy to distract us from the real problem at hand... Where the hell is Waldo?

   If you're happy and you know it, share your meds.

   My motto is "never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto.

   When I grow up I wanna become a civil engineer, and design septic tanks for playgrounds. So little kids can take Sh•ts.! :-)

   my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

   $50 & going on a shopping spree at the 99¢ store!!!

   looking for a sports channel that shows the football world cup.,, all is see is soccer match!?

   I think that good friend is worth pursuing, but why would a good friend be running away?

   if you can't say ridiculous things with a straight face, there's probably no room in management for you.

   - Like Kermit says, "It isn't easy being Rob Green"

   Taco bell should sell pink taco for breast cancer awareness month

   Steve Gerrard "The whole team is behind Rob Green". In retrospect, that's a good place to stand from now on

   When you have a good imagination, you can make up all the facts you want.

   Do fathers who live in barns say to their kids "Open that door! What do you live in a regular house?"

   One thing's for sure: Palin did not have brain implants!!

   Next time you pull up to a BP station, say, "I'll have whatever the pelicans are having."

   right now am kinda having that "awkward moment when Robert Green asks you to play catch with him!!! ಠ_ಠ !"

   if I had a beer for everytime you were gay, i'd be like really really drunk

   why do some people insist on writing out their check even when the cashier says its electronic withdrawal and they'll get their check back instantly, and theres a long line... waiting??

   What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.