Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I wonder if my dog ever thinks about finding his biological siblings.

   Lame Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Juicy Fruit gum because I thought you were really awesome for about 30 seconds.

   Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.

   A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   Fact: 69% of people will find something dirty in every sentence.

   I'm glad the hackers gained access into my MySpace account. Please send me my pics, I forgot my login information 8 years ago.

   .... The Universe is made up of Protons Neutrons Electrons and Morons.

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.

   Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

   A woman looked DEEP into my eyes today, I was feeling it, then she ruined it by saying I needed glasses.

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

   [Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

   Do people who say "You gotta fight fire with fire" not understand how fire works?

   Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it's like putting a condom on my kid's head.

   You want to hear me laugh, ask for money.

   If you guys need me I'll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

   Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn't scary enough.

   It's okay, Web MD. I don't really know what's wrong with me either.

   If they replaced the company breathalyzer with a brainalyzer, I'd be the person working alone and everyone else sitting in HR.