Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear they are running a special on Harambe and noodles at the local Cincinnati China Dragon!

   When I die, I want a closed casket and "Pop goes the weasel" on repeat so people will wait in stunned horror for me to pop out.

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   Oh, And BTW.... If you throw a porcupine at a dart board, you get all the points...

   My autocorrect changed gluten-free to glutton-free, because my Droid has the special fat shaming software update.

   If our children don't learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

   Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.

   This whole Gorilla thing makes me wonder what kind of thoughtless ignorant parent tries to raise a child in Ohio?

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   kid climbed into the Gorilla exhibit because the Gorilla looked like his jigaboo father

   Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher.

   I teach a graduate course at a local college, "Plans and How To Get Out of Them"

   Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.

   I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

   My therapist is right, you need help.

   I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.

   Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

   "How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back

   An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.

   I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.