Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are so paranoid nowadays. They refuse to answer Knock-Knock jokes until I show some I.D.

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

   For every slice of cheese I cut for my sandwich, I eat a slice.... I feel like this is what God wants me to do.

   Social Media: Proving Darwin was right, but in reverse.

   Loves a man in uniform..Unless he appears in my rearview mirror.

   Bud Light; new can, same sucky beer...

   life is short…smile while you still have teeth

   Always onclude specific instructions for handling your remains in your Will. Do you want them poured out during the final drop of Splash Mountain or along the entire ride?

   Yelp review: got murdered; would not recommend 🌟⭐⭐⭐⭐

   I'm at my most "Indiana Jones" when I grab a tupperware out of the cabinet & slam the door real fast so the rest don't fly out everywhere.

   When s**t happens turn it into fertilizer.

   My neighbor, Jen, gave me a vitamin. Turns out it was a vitamin for women. I've been getting dressed for the past 2 hours and still can't find the right pair of shoes to match my pants.

   If I ever own a parrot I'm going to teach him to say, "Will someone please find the witch who cast this spell on me?"

   Not here for hook ups = Hooks up anyways, I'm to busy to date = Drops everything for a stranger, I need to be by myself for awhile = Gets back with their Ex, I don't have unprotected sex = Licks all crevasses anyways.

   I think people can be politically correct all they want. As long as they shut the f#ck up about it. . .

   I just swiped left on someone based solely on the fact her name was Susan.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving.......just in case it's an intervention.

   In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!

   I bought new c#m catchers, I mean socks. . .