Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog!

   Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.

   High school makes you realize that you only need one best friend and like three close friends, because you realize how fake everyone is.

   What starts with P & ends with orn? Popcorn What starts with F & ends with uck? Firetruck. What starts with G & ends with ay? Justin Bieber

   My son asked me what's "Chillaxing"? "That's what Eskimos do.... they set around their igloo's taking laxatives for fun" I explained.

   Call me a skeptic but I doubt people LOL as much as they claim.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   Morley Safer contributes exponentially more to societal advancement, and gets only a few mentions in the press. Prince, who basically was a fruitcake who could play a guitar solo, is still getting press.

   FACT: I've been rescheduling the same dentist appointment since 2009

   How many more of these body wraps do I have to eat before I start losing inches?

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

   .... In a world where people don't understand the consequences of their actions ..... People shall be hurt .... and People shall perish .....

   Let me see if I have this right, they defended the White House from a home invasion with guns?

   * Me with the Dr. they assigned me in my new HMO... Doctor: Ted, you're dying...... ME: My name's not Ted.... Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you're pregnant.

   GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!

   I was born to be cool but global warming is slowly changing that.

   Memorial Day Tip: This year, throw veggie burgers on the grill and next year, someone else will host the cookout.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   I renewed my driver’s license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.