Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who named the walkie talkie and why isn’t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?

   Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.

   Donald Trump willing to appear on national TV with that hair must possess extraordinary courage.

   At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they're empty.

   When someone hands me a Bible, I flip it open and autograph it. Then I hand it back (as they look very confused), I smile and say.. "It's always nice to meet a fan!"

   The fact that there is a "Highway to Hell" and only a "Stairway to Heaven" says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers...

   Every time I have to dress up in this killing heat I contemplate becoming a nudist. Then I remember what I look like naked and start putting on my clothes….

   I met an Indian guy today.. he does NOT work in IT.. mind blown.

   .... I was excited to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel .... till it turned out to be a train coming the other way

   ...... People at these rest area restrooms are creepy ... the guy in stall next to me makes wierd noises and has four feet

   Have nothing against people from other countries. But one thing is for sure. they do not know how to drive in the U.S. no turn signal, no turn on red, ect...

   Nothing has held me back in life more than not knowing which U.S. National Park I am. If only there was a way to find out.

   No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!

   No thanks women who lift weights, only one of us must look like a man in this relationship

   Getting stuff out of my wardrobe is like playing Jenga.

   Turns out I'm not a Jedi after all.....Bummer

   Examination room walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any temple.

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in