Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sea gulls are like the Kardashian sisters; if they weren't so frickin' annoying they would actually seem quite beautiful.

   The new twenty dollar bill will feature a clever line drawing of Harriet Tubman using the men's room.

   I was wondering where I can contract this influenza virus so I can get away with stupid sheit.

   The American dream I’m chasing is where the entire pizza is just a spiral of stuffed crust...

   There are people who actually send you Candy Crush invites on Sunday? Really? On the Lord's special day? The evil is strong in you.

   My kids were playing hide and seek and they took out their phones and took pictures and then tag them on facebook. Times sure has changed since I was a kid.

   So let me get this straight...The new twenty dollar bill is going to feature Harriet Tubman using the men's room at a target?

   Yes, Fuckery Dept.? I'd like to file a claim.

   Shouldn't they just put Harriet Tubman's face on EBT cards???

   They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric , but I am white....

   Looks like Andrew Jackson's been tossed to the back of the bus.

   As your next President, I promise to remove all things Kardashian....

   That 5 second rule regarding dropped food doesn't mean much when you have a 2 second dog.

   Dear Atheist,if God isn't real why does it bother you so much if I pray to him and always will.

   Dear theist, Atheists don't care who you pray to. Just keep it to yourselves and out of schools and government. =)

   If someone says "bathroom policy" one more time, I'm going to have to kick a chick in the nuts.

   As Jesus said: "It's ok to sin as long as you don't forget to ask for forgiveness later." -people who invent Bible Verses

   Today I identify as someone on welfare, so I don't have to go to work right?

   fine then, family is NOTHING